Life: It’s Complicated Part 3_ Storms of our Life

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DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author. If you are easily offended or sensitive to the topics mentioned in the material, this may not be right for you. Please use at your own discretion. If you have struggled or know someone who has personally dealt with suicidal ideations, or attempts, help is available. Please seek a health care professional, call 911, the 24hr Crisis Hotline at 866-427-4747 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Intro

“When you are in the middle of a storm cloud it’s hard to think outside of it, but the only way outside of the storm is to ride through it and things will be a lot clearer on the other side” -Jodi Ann Bickley-

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), global warming and pollution are first on a list of health risk which currently poses the greatest threat to mankind. One of the greatest indicators are the dramatic changes in weather patterns. Primarily larger more powerful storm systems which have the potential to wreak havoc. Not just for those across the United States; this has become a significant problem worldwide. Take a minute to imagine the impacts that have occurred over the past several years in locations like Houston, Japan, and Puerto Rico. I’ve listed several locations which have been leveled at the hands of mother nature. No matter where we are in the world, we have all been a witness to some of the most violent storms systems to impact our counties, cities, and communities. Which is why this subject remains a critical topic of discussion.

Question: What is the outcome of any natural disaster? Consider reviewing Part II, I want to remind you what happens when the levee breaks. So, if you guessed a loss of property homes and lives that would be correct. There are several types of storms and in theory, we often think about atmospheric disturbances which contribute to episodes of severe weather; such as tornadoes, hurricanes, typhoons, and wildfires. What if the impacts of any storm fell outside the spectrum of traditional scientific theory? What if we viewed them from a metaphysical perspective? Thus, we have the storms of our lives; intense periods of distress, and uncertainty. We are often exposed to some of the harshest conditions throughout these vulnerable times. Causing drastic changes to our mental state which become distorted and unclear. You can only imagine what will happen once storm clouds began to roar in. It’s only a matter of time before the rain falls. However, as with any natural storm system, we often expect the worst before conditions subside. We all face the potential threat; regardless of our age, gender, race, culture, or geography. We are all bound to experience significant emotional events which can cause us to become detached or disconnected from all that is around us. From this point on we will dive even deeper into the rabbit hole. As we move on the topics, we discuss will be the equivalent of a voyage into the deep dark-web; where nothing is off-limits. Some of the material discussed in this blog is sensitive in nature, so please pay special attention to the disclaimer above.

The Painful Truth

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses our understanding “-Khalil Gibran-

        In terms of thinking, we all do it. This is the process that allows us to continuously adapt to a world that is forever changing around us. It is the function which guides our ability to make decisions and form behavioral patterns. Still, thoughts are far more complex than this; whether good or bad, moral, or immoral.  Although we can be conscious of our thoughts, most occur subconsciously. When the negative thoughts of our subjective lives intertwine with realities, we learn the results may become disastrous.

So, I want you to have a seat and take a minute to think about the quote above. What are your thoughts; do you agree or disagree? Be honest: After all, Life’s experiences are our greatest teacher and we usually discover this once we witness adversity first-hand. Even as we overcome hurdles that have scattered debris along our paths, we gain a better understanding of the event(s) in question. The experiences we undergo tend to influence the scope of how to view, or rather how we view a world that we live in. Our thoughts and ideas are based on experiences which are either identified from an objective or subjective perspective.  In one case you have an account that is based on sheer fact and can be physically proven through one or more of our five senses. As for the latter, it is based on feelings or one’s opinion. But does that make the idea any less real to the individual who has claimed the experience? After all, pain is discomforting, and pain is something that we feel isn’t it? Yet, scares are not always present, so how do we validate that one experiences pain without hard evidence. Now if this rather complicated ideology becomes a generalization for the lives we live; would it be fair to say that this is the basis for a life that has become overly complicated for anyone? Well perhaps, but the only way to determine this is to continue where we left off:

My Story Continues…

Although I wanted to remain optimistic; It’s like I understood this marriage was over, the morning I received her text message. I had a mental snapshot framed and captured like slow-motion. I can remember the vacant sensation as I removed my wedding band from my ring finger. I watched it drop and sink into the car’s cupholder “CLINK”. Even so, the knowledge of this didn’t make things any easier. Realizing the truth only made this harder to accept. No matter: I knew this was goodbye. I struggled for days with thoughts of this, it was like reliving a loss, reliving the heartache and pain repeatedly. “What did I do wrong”?  I asked subconsciously. I mean even now I don’t know. I couldn’t understand how this happened so suddenly; and in my mind: it was me; it was all me. Certainly, I’ve made mistakes. I’d be lying if I ever said I was this perfect guy: Soldier, husband, brother, or friend. I’m so far from that in fact and that’s ok: I think. Although I never stopped trying to be just that: PERFECT individual. I realized this was unobtainable; farfetched and out of reach.  So, I did the best I could with what I knew. Take care of the home, be a provider, a lover; her rock and her shield. I did the best I could “BUT WAS IT ENOUGH” I heard. “Was the level of stress far too much to endure”; who knows. It seems no one does there was no straight answer. I attempted to address the source my tone laced with traces of anger, hints of frustrations, and stems of sorrow.  The residue was medical shots of Zzzquil just so that I can sleep well. I mean my insomnia was horrendous. Still lacking sleep, unable to eat I can feel the toll that it is taking on my body. Yet, I’m ok: I think.  I can make it another day.  I’ve lashed out in pain because this hurts so fuckin bad. By this, I mean heartache and the things I think about. “Why do I think like this” I wondered. If love was a steel blade. I’d be that samurai in the courtyard performing seppuku amongst the crowd because; I am coordinating my own demise. I’ve shortened my lifeline by a lifetime. No one cares about me, who really gives a fuck, it’s a hoax its bullshit. It’s maddening to me. I can picture myself straight-jacketed seated; rocking back and forth frantically laughing. The cats staring confused. “What am I doing”? I asked. All I could do was laugh, then cry, and laugh some more.  Because in the end, only I know what we know; and that’s nothing. I know this isn’t healthy, so I shake it off as if it were that easy. I peel myself from the couch like a scab. I head to the bedroom locking the door behind me. Drop to my knees in prayer; because this feels like far more than I can bear. I went days like this continued to pray and still nothing. No resolve, no resolution this is useless. “My God I know you’re there, so why aren’t you listening”? “Why have you forsaken me in my moment of despair”? I was shrouded in darkness; a dark cloud hovering above.

Dark Days and Storm Clouds

Since I’ve done nothing but share my truth. The final painful truth I want to share with you is: That I wanted to die. For me, it was that simple. However, the origin was deeply rooted; a story for another day. All I was able to see at that moment was the panicked expression on my face; while staring at an empty reflection through my bathroom mirror. As my thoughts continued to run its marathoners’ pace; my mind replayed several events from the days prior. It was closer to midnight; another restless sleep cycle. I was out of cigarettes, third or fourth pack down. I felt this jolt, there was a slight breeze sweeping along the hairs of my neck, like static. I felt lost, alone I was not quite coherent of everything. The surrounding atmosphere was stale and stagnant; the smell potent. You could taste the toxins; mixed in a base called oxygen; as it filled my lungs. This was a barrel full of crabs, and they were slowly pulling me underneath all the weight of these emotions. All I felt was this pressure in my chest; a longing pain probably the worst in days. I couldn’t do this, I was done. I was ready to end it all for the sake of not having to endure this feeling for another fuckin second. I had often wondered if the world would be a better place without me; because no matter how much good I tried to produce; it was useless. Without seeds, there’s no fruit, and nothing was ever enough. I felt I’d lost my purpose, my direction misguided. I was on autopilot; a cockpit lacking a co- to my pilot. I remember walking: walking to the car. The entire time I remember staring at my feet as they struck the pavement like an unlit match. I remember envisioning the smile on her face from a specific place one of the last days we spent together. I had texted her earlier to say Hi; I miss you; come home please let’s work this out. At least that’s what I envisioned would happen in my mind from time to time: this what-if game. No that’s not what really happened. It was never said, yet I wanted to. Only I knew how that scenario would go. Rather I called: no answer, no response, and as far as I was concerned ladies and gentlemen this was it. You want your 13 reasons why; here’s another cry for help that was missed.

Interlude

So, it’s here we reach a climax: the point in which the curtains drop in; but it doesn’t end here. We have entered the eye: the calm within the storm. The time will come when the tide begins to turn. With each new experience there is another lesson to be learned. NEXT UP>>>>> The Turning Tide: Storms of our Life Pt. II